Drag

Now with a FT job, seems like i have attain what i want to do, but i dont seem to be enjoying this adaption process.

i didnt pass my test, didnt clear my ippt, did many mistakes at work, trying to learn every possible work but i know i cant handle so much...ya, these are the reasons which make me feel down, idling during my weekends doing useless stuff, trying to temporary forget my lost, my failures.

I dont look forward going to work. I dislike this feeling. But i have to face reality, pick myself up soon.

Failing streak

Tried to read the book after reaching home. But it was kinda slow. End up falling asleep.

2day paid the price...failed my paper, cmfas m1. Failed by a few marks i guess...since no specific score was shown.

M i too anxious? Trying to be fast and productive as a certified professional. Its just been 2 weeks i technically start work, and i started my test. To my surprise, this test is not limited to the contend of the book, but the application to various real life situations which the rules are bend and applied. Crap...what the hell. I figure out at least 20 plus questions out of the 100 questions i wasnt sure. I need tremendous good luck to get a pass of at least 75%.

I was disappointed. I clearly wasnt ready for this test. Im too confident, and had to reply on luck and my "common sense" to attempt this test and get a slap on my face. The test is paid by the company and i duno what to say to my boss 2mor...i recall he ask me " R u sure u can pass this test" I replied yes at my first interview with him. Haha...I didnt accomplish what i say on the expense on the company's fund, my pride.

For the 2nd time in a row, I fail again. haha. I fail at a so call easiest paper 1 of this type after in being at work for technically less than 3 weeks, with regular physcial training after work. Did i tired myself out, or my time management sucks, or..im tired of finding out whats wrong..but its something to do with me.

1 sec

"Boss, 2day last session..." this is what i say before i left the company on 20th Feb. I have to go at the company training commences. I have missed 2 company trainings. I felt bad..but i dont have a choice.

"Can i pass this ippt test?" i dont think so.

I was half awake in the train, making my way to the camp. I was mentally tired, being drained by the work and a bothersome client that got me flustered.

I clear all static stations except sbj. Haha...i knew it. But i still have to go for the 2.4km run. Why, since i already failed my static station?

Reason: If i do pass my 2.4km, all i failed is 1 station, i may have a higher chance of not going RT, but just do a early retest, or pehaps gain sympathy from the guys who have the power to let me off the hook. I want to escape the worst possible case scenario - Since u have defaulted, whatever RT u did for the past 2 months are due for last year period, thus you are still eligible to clear this year ippt, and you have failed again, thus you need to go for another RT phase 1....

I have to run. i feel so shitty and despo. Running at 9pm, with the cold wind blowing, stressed by this thought, i had to warm up my strained muscles which i had trained everyday after work, just for this day, to pass.

Every round, i ran, i kept recalling abt how hard i train after work diligently, how hard i push myself despite the tiredness, i predict the pain i feel if i have to go another RT again..and my boss will be so disappointed with all the training i skipped...and all the time i have to sacrifice to come to this camp, pushing the work load to my collegues, which they will to a certain extend im avoiding work.

Theres a saying i heard in my JC years, "u ask a person what does 1 year mean to a person, u ask a repeat student, u ask what is 1 sec meant to a person, u ask a runner who missed by 1 sec" I clearly have experienced both parts of the quote.

12.41...the time on the score board, after i dash past the finish line. Did i pass? i walk with a limping foot to a score board, the pass timing was 12.40. I cant believe i fail by 1 sec. All my efforts after work, changing to my jogging attire, running regardless the weather, how tired i am, to condition my body for this run since i got confirmation for this job. 1 sec. I have to miss by 1 sec. Im really a underdog.

4 blessings

Got an ang bao from my mum, i knew it since she has been doing this practise. It has been tough on her, since her marriage wit the guy she thought she loved. He will always be a stranger which i will never get to know him. But i can say he is lucky to have a wife like my mum who loves him.

Got an sms from Goof, my old pal i known since my secondary sch days. Was 70 percent sure he will send me an sms, but he can be too busy to forget abt 2day.

Met Joey, my JC friend, for dinner. Didnt expect her to bring a cake aside from the wonderful dinner. It was wonderful not because of the food we ate, not because i was hungry and thirsty, but because i had forgotten how pleasant it felt to have some1 u never expect to remember and celebrate this occassion which seems so belittle to myself and yet her gesture was thoughtful and i felt heart warmed. Thanks for making my day Joey!

Got another sms from SJ. Didnt expect sms from her, since its a long long time i last seen her. I was pleasantly surprise. One thing i know, from my own experience, its kinda hard to forgot people whom u loved, so u tend to remember their special days which is unique to them alone, to make them feel outstanding.

I dont expect greetings, nor blessings from ppl i luv or care all the time, and not even for special occassion because i believe in caring for others dont limit to that 1 special day, but it should be practise as a daily event, being there and supportive for them when they are in need. This is the best gift i will want to receive. Haha..cos its the hardest gift i think to be able to be there for some1 u love despite being tied down with other priorities, but u choose to help out this person cos u care. This is what i deem as the best gift.

Living for the 26th year

How long am i going to live? Is living longer better, or living your dreams, accomplishing yr goals even within a shorter life is better off, or finding some1, build a nuclear family to fulfill our generic purpose to carry on our off spring will consider our life here worth living, or earning money, retiring young, spending your last days touring around the world, there are so many alternatives, yet we can only accomplish so little within our life time.

So few people have take on the route less travel and do according to their heart desire. Is that what i perceived as real living, the true freedom with no obligation to anyone but yrself. But in our society, one's action will definitely affect others, disrupting or over right other's freedom. There can be no freedom, but freedom define within the boundaries of the law, what is appropriate and what is wrong. Wah..im really a "freedom" freak, always asking am i really "free". Frequently, when i wake up, i feel like i'm like the people trapped in the "Matrix", theres a system which everyone is bound by, and none is free.

Perhaps im imprisoned within my own cage, that is the lack of financial freedom, the real power to enable to to break out of this repetitive cycle which i pay for with my remaining breathing years and slowing mental activity. Currently, what i desire now is the achieving of financial power to enable me to indulge in activities which i will not worry what will i need to survive on if i will not work tomorrow, i will not need to worry what will happen if sudden misforture strikes.

The only thing i worry despite having my financial freedom, is whether how long do i realy begin living life (again, what is yr definition of "living"), and how much will i miss by then (how much time will be gone), and what if i dont succeed (does all attempts and efforts amount to nothingness), haha...so much possibilities with different choice one makes at different time.

The end of the journey is not the utmost purpose, but its the journey that drives one through different stages of emotion turmoil, physical tests and mental challenges in achieving your dreams is the most exciting part of living.

Think "Freedom" in terms of time is the most valuable. Cos its a variable which cant be return to you. Thus perhaps i should make use more of my time in pursuiting my goals instead of delaying it. Then again, if u travel in space at the speed of light, you will have "extended" time since u age slowly in space when you return to earth. Haha.

Cognitive Dissonance

2 tests this week. One is the cmfas test on thursday, another is my ippt remedial test on wednesday. Going to be tiring.

The book for the test is damn boring. Think need to get a 80 percent correct to secure a pass. Hazi..left 3 days to read...hard to absorb and remember these stuff.

Monday 2mor...sian...duno is it i dont enjoy the work process or i still not capable to handle the work or its not the type of work im really looking for in the first place. But what will i say if im still seeking employment, i will still take up any job offer.

Haha...when u dont have it, u desire it, when u possessed it, u dont appreciate it. Does this feeling always happen? If so, is it ur not satisfied, or ur simply looking for better options, opportunities or in the first place, ur aren't sure about what choice u take and now getting the feeling of cognitive dissonance...This is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.

Work to live and not live to work

I must instill this belief into my compass so i wont lost sense of my internal direction among the confusion of the rat race and market turmoil.

Time is the most valuable asset one owns. "Live to work" will drain more time out of our lifes for the non living corporations which serve as a money producing machine for the owners of the company.

Must not become a working zombie...i must learn to balance and distribute my time n energy well to pursuit of my personal interest on top of career objectives.