how did i get here?

"how did i get here", a book i borrowed, which i hope i can seek my answers to questions.

My collegues had asked me a few times, whether do i enjoy working here, haha..looks like to them, i do hate working. But isn't this the position you want to be, initially?

Haha...achieving your dreams, living your dreams are 2 separate issues. If you want to be a dealer, a chef, nurse, doctor, lawyer, each has its own difficulties...

shld i leave...i'm not sure...i much wanted to leave, but i duno where to turn to, where should i go, having know myself i cant be as free as a bird if i stay in this industry. Being sandwitch between the corporation and client, some can take it, some cant.

I'm too stiff for this industry, perhaps, its the mentallity thing, emotion aspect about myself that makes me unsuitable for this line of work.

Twisted

Movies like hannibal series, talented mr Ripedly, SAW, anime such as Death note, Code Geass all consisted of twisted minds with their own sense of justice, what is right, what is wrong, having power or i have to say, having the decisive and determination to do accordance to what they want.

But not only that, they manage to escape the law, the boundaries that is set by unspoken and accepted social and legal law with their strategic mind, plotting against each other, see who will have the final checkmate.

Although its just a movie, frictional make ups, it does reflect realtiy of society, imprefections of the human created law, corruption of utmost power by means of money, information, status and moral values.

Moral values in the sense that to protect individual self interest rather than for the sake of the group. Selfishness vs Selflessness.

The law can it be impartial, unbias...regardless of all human beings. How true is this reality...

I believe in human are born selfishness but will seek those with power for survival. N those with power, bending the majority population with lesser power to their will, achieving their objective.

This is what i related from this movies..for now

Sincerity

Match.com.sg sucks..haha...the website is always difficult to connect, error here, refresh and refresh again.

Tried another matchlovelink.com...the website doesnt hang..so far..but u need pay fees to have email, and chat..other is just plain clickin on the profile and let the other party knws ur interested..tats it.

Really get to know the desire man or dream man of the ladies in the websites. Got look for Andy lau one, princess, sugar daddy..haha..okok..only a few.

Some are direct" Plz if despo plz dont call me..." something like tat..haha..

The rest quite normal...some photos does appear nice, with nice smile, but when u browse the other photo of the same profile, u ain't sure whether u like it anot...haha...really damn shallow..i just realise myself..a shallow person.

Nw, if i do send signal to the other party or parties...i need to be responsible for my actions, ain't i, to be sincere in my actions, that i really do want to know that individual, n not a moment of impulse, for the sake of randoming selecting all the "eye candies" or whoever which seems appealing to you.

Sianzzz...shld i click...

100 match?

hmm.. a list of profiles of eligible singles that match my interest and attributes send to my email from the dating site.

Kinda interesting to view the profiles, but it seems difficult to send an email to the party you interested...so its till up to the pursuiter to initiate. No pursuit for what you want to seek, then you want to wait there for ppl to initiate meh?

Even others who initiate, you may not be interested also. Even intiate, also have to c whether the other party wants to follow up anot or just ignore you based on the photo. Haha...Worry for what?

What if really meet, then how? What if it turns out that im not what i describle to me or not up to the percerived expectations as thought by the party. This cant be avoided, bo bian...must meet then know mah...Another point to note, im not the only guy with 100 percent match, there will be better deals in the site also. And if dont hurry, those you see "ok" ones, will be attached and wont bother to reply too.

Life is short, just go do it...time to transform, get a haircut, buy new clothes and pursuit new found interest. Rite?

Increase network

Duno y...haha...saw my friends, collegues, after work, can meet up with their loved ones, spending time with each other, seems to look forward after work. For me, it seems, after work, in the midst of the week, dont feel shiok, its only friday, then i look forward for saturday. But just for the sake that i dont have to go for work for the next 2 days, and nothing more.

Finding people within my network who share similar interest seems difficult and costly to maintain as well. Perhaps i shld switch to something more economic feasible to maintain, a lifestyle or recreational activity.

Recently join Meetup.com and match.com.sg. 1 is to find like minded groups within singapore where i can hopefully find kiakees to enjoy the sports, getting to know more about this sport im interested. The latter, is to expand my network, mayb to lose my "single" title i had held on for years since my last relationship.

This weekend, has caught my army mates, my friends, outside, hanging out with their gf, makes me feel like im not moving at this particular life goal, seeking a potential mate to settle down? Or just to feel loved, as a couple, that some1 not related by blood cares about you romantically?

Haha...is it a temporary rush, or a sign of my genes hinting me its time or its not to my advanatage to wait...but engage.

Time to transform i guess...hope to get some replies soon.

Pass my M1 test..shiok

Finally, i pass after the 3rd attempt. It was a relieve. Feels better than getting a distinction for my exam. The duration for the test was 2hrs, but i left early due to stomach upset and headache.



Treat my collegues tae tarik and milo. Later that night, my collegue treat me pizza. The inches i lose being to come back ...eating so much yet not moving around.

YIPEE!!! PASS Liao!!! Can realy enjoy my wkend w/o burden.

Enthu for work?

A job is for you to earn a living. Its seldom for people to enjoy working and satisfied with the pay.

Even i have to job hop, the new job most likely will have its own problems. Theres no perfect job except if you are the boss.

If 1 has to work to earn a living, the only time he/she has to work hard, is only when they have the energy and drive, once pass the age limit and years of struggling, will then perhaps they can command a higher price for the same amount or even lesser amount of work to be done within the same time. This is what people normally do i think, to get a bigger dough, just for the sake of survival.

How many people will actually like their job, their career? With high pay, comes with a price, with low pay, comes with a price as well..whether you enjoy the work process, is up to us how we to percerive it to be.

The temporary solution to psycho myself to get thru the day, is that i need to have a 2nd life, a identity, other than a work identity, to divert my energy, to ensure im not living for the corporation, but for myself...

Rekindled Spirit

Today went back to school, meet another friend, Mr S, recommended by ZR to aid me in my burden. Thxs to him, nw a hurdle is finally clear.

The school cafeteria, library has changed. The interior atmosphere is much more friendly to makan and study. However, the smell still lingers in the canteen and the library is still pack as usual.

Looking at the students studying reminds me of my past years, studying for the sake to secure a better job than my sales job. And now, im given the opportunity and i want to give up. This trip to the school has made me remember the purpose of seeking a degree, my years of retaking my As, my passion which i developed, that is to be what i currently want to be. And im giving up so easily. Who's says goals are easy to accomplish? Im here today because of my past accumulative success and failures. I cant call it quit now, just 2 months into this position.

Met Mr S, a figure which i only know 2day, was a singapore representative of olympics games, tri marathone athlete, a business man, a pilot and at his eariler years, has worked in the banking sector. He has that much energy, and he's still young. I looked at myself, haha...I has accomplish so far, few of my goals and has excel in fewer of these goals.

Met Mr A in the school, a friends i knew in the army. Currently hes workin as a insurance agent and a parttime student in UOL. He has been in the line for 1 year and has been thru ups and downs, but still manage to survive. He didnt give up.

Read Ms W's blog, she's one determine woman, if im her, think i already at my limits. And she still has the energy to press on.

I also remember KK. Think my upset at work is nothing as compared to his. And he will definitely stay on.

Im here today not just cos of my own efforts, but also the support from others who has helped me, leading me to this path i seek. Im lucky that im given the chance. And i cant give up now.

To leave or not to leave?

Breakdown of my deciding factors: To leave or not to leave b4 probation ends?

Reasons to leave:

1. stress over minor disputes, snowballing issues, hunting memories
2. tired of staying on my toes, viligent at all times draining my energy
3. rigid process, compliance issue, gov policies
4. miscommunication, misinterpretation bet parties in situations
5. There's no room for mistakes here...if there is and it blows, the magnitude is unimaginable...cos its clt's dough we'r talking about
6. Incapacity to laugh...haha...ya..leave the matters of the work to work area alone...i seems to carry the mental work load home, thus isnt able to really happy to go to work the next morning.
7. Learning speed and capacitiy to absorb is not efficient as compare to others. Sense of logic and common sense doesnt work for me in this work area.

Reasons not to leave:

1. Satisfied pay, shift allowances
2. Helpful collegues and supervisors, although sometimes they can be mad..but i know its for my own good.
3. Career prospect for pay increment (but see no point in this factor if i dont accustom to this pressure)
4. My initial goal was to gain entry to this industry, now it seems my character and attitude towards handling of the work affairs seem to be making me having 2nd thoughts...a choice between mental carefree and compromise of pay if i do leave and end up in a lesser work position.

What the hack!

Shift work starts

Reach home ard 1230am I think. Run past the empty walkway in the raffles exchange and waited for 5mins for the last train to arrive...

The shift work is not as taxing as the normal hours, with the main bulk of "arrows" being tanked by the efficient people in the morning.

Still...even its much relaxing...i cant based on this reason to decide whether i want to stay on with this work life for another year. Probation is ending in the end of the month.

Test required to pass i havnt clear it yet. Mistakes or incoming disputes seems to be unavoidable. It doesnt seem reasonable for every entry, order to be make perfect with clt's instruction, answer every request, enquiries with perfect accuracy and assurance. As much as I want to help, aid clients, the same system that depends on clt's patronage also hinders the clt's access to this system due to other issues and interest of the company.

My logic, common sense, ability to adapt, dont work well here in this system...although with time, one will eventually get used to it.

Question is do i want to stay on, work for 1 year in this line, this position and move on to greener pasture in this industry which is regulated. Is the money, the enjoyment of doing the work, amount of personal time, work achievement or other factors are more important in deciding your work choice?

1 thing i know is that i dont like disputes, handling clt's complaints, and the 1st line of defence is me. Irregardless how well some1 is handling the daily issues, there bound to be mistakes that we didnt notice, or even miscommunication between the parties and I, that will lead to unpleasant experience. Departments will draw lines to protect their own interest and clearly you alone, have to take the responsibility and listen to the music. How about work recognisation? It comes only i think in bonus, monentary return.

Everyday is a firefighting experience. The forest fire will never be put out despite the work done. There will be some fire in areas we didnt see, and once it spread, we will have to find the source of cultprit, the firefighter who asigns in distinguishes the fire and access the damage done and charge the firefighter for his mistake done if any. This is my impression.

Clearly, i seen enough signs my character, capabilities wasnt suitable for this line, but i still manage to struggle and do fire fighting everday. The thought of this fire will never cease and any moment, a past fire will hunt you down due to your neglience makes me sick and stressed.

However, my collegues take it in their stride, smiling, laughing. Haha. I really have to hand it to them, their ability to handle this pressure and do not take it too hard. Is it they have so much disputes in the past that they become immune and know its a matter of time, they will get burn now and then. They are still here because this work pay them fairly well and of cos, they are willlingly to accept the price.

How about me? Do i want to accept the price for this pay? Or i want to make a switch before my probation ends because im dont enjoy the work im doing despite its my initial motive to enter into this industry? I had to make a choice...

If i was to leave, where do i go?
Will the pay be better or worse, and do i accept it for the sake for mental freedom and less work load?
If the prospect is grim for the other type of work i choose than this, will i still take it? Then what will happen to my sense of achievement? Is my job position, work a important part of my life or is it just the plain monentary returns?
Will i accept the fact that i will regret the decision if i was to leave this company for another?

Carefree + $ + prospect = optimum job

Shld i use this philosophy: Life is too short, jus go with it